striving to find the beauty in simplicity.

Beggar's Heart

2009-11-08T11:14:00.003-06:00

When You build, it feels like You tear me apart
When you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when You fill, You leave me with a beggar's heart

-bethany dillon

Pictures.

2009-10-14T10:21:00.005-05:00

Transition.

2009-10-07T08:55:00.003-05:00

This whole year has seemed to be one of huge transition. Living alone for the first time. Planning a wedding. Learning to be a wife. Figuring out what kind of job I want, and then figuring out what kind of job I can actually get. Changing churches... twice. Being content with that fact.... etc.

Now I am usually one to embrace change. I love when things are moving. I even enjoy moving. Packing up and then getting all settled in somewhere new. But things have been changing...slowly. I like fast movement. But I'm beginning to see that God is using each opportunity to teach me to trust him more. A lesson I thought I had learned previously, but am realizing I still have much to learn.

Other things in the life:
We have a sweet new puppy. Meet Mr. Bruce.

He's a handful. But a sweetheart, of course. ;)

I'm also waiting to hear back about jobs. IBC hired me as an intern to head up their Thanksgiving Basket project. I'm looking forward to that and ready to get into it. Waiting to hear back about an IBC/Apartment Life job that would be awesome. I also turned in all my paperwork last week to Mansfield ISD for substitute teaching. Actually really looking forward to that. So depending on the timing of when everything could happen, I could be looking at 4 different jobs all at once. Adding that to Ben's current 3 jobs and we are really wondering what God is doing with us. No full time jobs have opened up, so this looks like this is how our lives will be looking for a bit, at least. Trusting... trusting.

Other than that, we're just trying to figure out what we'll do when our lease is up in January. Trying to get Ben enrolled in school at UTA for the spring semester. Looking forward. A little blindly, but with renewed confidence that the Lord has a plan. ;)

I hope all is well in your world.

2009-09-04T09:15:00.002-05:00

I'm realizing more and more what a gift from the Lord my husband is to me. This week has felt very heavy. In times past, when a heavy weight sits on my shoulder, I retreat and find solace in my aloneness. But it's hard to do that when you are married, have nowhere to run, and can't find the strength to hide the strain. He is there. My sweet husband has these amazing arms that hold me when I feel so fragile. He kisses away my tears and prays strength and peace over me. God's grace in bringing him to me overwhelms me. We walk so deeply together. There's no room for hiding or staying shallow with him. He knows me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And yet, his love is unwavering. What a testament to the love of Christ! An incredible picture of God enabling man to experience, if for only a glimpse, of his sweet love for us. Those moments of walking deeply make the petty arguments and frustrations of everyday life seem so meaningless. Maybe that's how God sees his love toward us. He knows us so intimately and has such an all-encompassing love for us that our short-comings and mistakes pale in comparison. I want to learn to love like this. God and man. Reclaim the compassion that once flooded my heart. I miss it.

Intentional Living

2009-09-01T09:27:00.003-05:00

I've been reading a lot of books lately about food. What we put into our body, how it's made, nutrients, etc. It's been very interesting. More than anything, I'm realizing how much of my lifes just happens. I'm aren't intentional about many things. I hardly give a second thought to what I eat. I don't think too much about how I spend my time or how I spend my money. Most of the time I just go through the motions and do whatever feels good at the time. I've been rethinking that kind of mindset the last couple of weeks. Dave Ramsey always tells people that simply paying attention to where your money goes is the first step in getting control of it. I thik that is the same with most things. So my new objective: Intentional Living.

This means Ben and I got a breadmaker. The bread you buy in the store is pretty poor quality filled with all kinds of processed sweeteners and junk. And it's good bread. We've been trying to eat more fruits and lots of veggies. When we go to the store to get stuff to cook, I am much more aware of labels and high fructose corn syrup. And I think a little harder about it before I grab a soda. It's been good, and I'm enjoying whole foods a lot more. Actually enjoying the sweetness of fresh fruit and the antioxidants racing through my body. One thing at a time, though. I've been pretty focused on getting a healthy balance of food. Then we can move on to some of the other pressing issues.

Just thought I would share. It's been awhile since I've written on here. I want to get back in the habit.

engagement.

2009-04-23T14:23:00.002-05:00

woohoo for being engaged!

some things i've learned from my first 3 days of engagement:

1. people are really happy for you. simple concept, but i have truly felt overwhelmed and so loved by all of the encouraging notes, phone calls, etc. that i have received. the people in my life is what has made this so fun and i can't imagine not having such amazing people to share in joy with.

2. in light of that, i am quickly seeing my dreams of a small, simple wedding slipping away. on the one hand, i feel very sad... and much more overwhelmed than when small and simple is what i thought i would get. but on the other hand, feeling so much love from so many people makes me want to include them in our big day.

3. it is very easy to get overwhelmed. there are a thousand decisions to make and things to get done, and with an already full life, it is very difficult to see how this is going to come together. i know it will be a lot of fun, but i can already see that i am going to have to take great strides to ensure enjoyment of each step.

4. i didn't really think that being engaged would really feel different, but it does. i feel legitimized in our relationship and even more ready to move forward than before. i like it. so far....

2008-11-17T21:54:00.001-06:00

life would be so much easier if my sole ambition was a corner office with a view. but my heart beats misery when success is measured by dollars rather than a touched life and dreams fully alive.

inspiring.

2008-11-06T22:46:00.000-06:00

"Wendell Berry is no dour scold who preaches a joyless austerity. To the contrary, he tells us that what we truly seek in life is not comfort, but meaning – and that you don't have to live a life of rigorous asceticism to find it. Rather, we only need to order our lives around the ancient idea that happiness depends on virtue – virtue lived in community. We can only be fulfilled by living within the bounds prescribed by our nature, and in fidelity not to our selfish desires but to the greater good of our families, friends and communities."

For the full article about this wise man:
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/opinion/points/stories/DN-dreher_26edi.State.Edition1.21c9278.html

let the experiment begin!

2008-11-05T09:45:00.002-06:00

i have been cracking up at people's reactions over the news of our next president. some have been elated... others think the world is coming to an end. and still others are just completely apathetic to the whole situation. me? i am choosing to think of this as a social experiment. first of all, let me explain my reasonings for voting mccain/palin. at the outset of this election, i was an obama supporter. i was excited about his ideas of change and the strong emphasis on helping those in need. i liked that he wanted to help young people get an education and get involved in community service. over the last few months, though, some of my opinions have changed. while i do believe very strongly in community service and helping those in need, i don't believe this is the responsibility of the government. teaching someone to fish, rather than just giving them a fish, will bode much better in the long run. i have a very big beef with our capitalistic society... i do not believe it cultivates generosity or community, but greed and individualism. however, that is the society in which we live, and a major overhaul of that paradigm is going to be extremely painful. i have also come to issue with the associations obama has had. i think the people you surround yourself with tells a great deal about you as a person, and he seems to befriend extremely controversial figures. that scares me. so my vote unfortunately wasn't really for mccain, but rather against obama this year.

but alas... here we are. i honestly do not feel any anxiety about the next four years. my peace is in the Lord and i know that no matter who the president is, God is my only source or hope. but i do feel that it will be very interesting to see how things play out. obama absolutely will not be able to carry out a great percentage of his proposed policies. they simply are not feasible, especially in our current economic situation. in addition, the ones that will be put into place are so different from anything ever proposed in my lifetime that i am very interested to see how they play out. i honestly hope that they do work. that at the end of the next four years, our america will be a better place than it is today. i hope that pride does not blind any good that could potentially come from this administration. many of his policies are my ideals, i am just too much of a pragmatist to hold much hope that they will work in our society. but alas, i will see my ideals implemented to some degree and can measure the true effectiveness of them. so i hold optimistic. the world was still turning when i woke up this morning. all we can do is hope that tomorrow will be better than today and work for ourselves to better our world. we can't depend upon government to change what we can do ourselves. so i'm buckling in and getting ready to take some notes...

the ideal.

2008-10-31T10:59:00.002-05:00

I think Karl Marx has gotten a worse rap than he really deserves. I think he was simply an idealist. I relate with many of his frustrations, and even think he has some great thoughts on how living should look. The only problem is that we live in this horribly fallen world. Otherwise... it would be fantastic. I was reading in Romans the other day about how we are to love each other. To love generously, give to those in need, hold nothing against a neighbor, and love our enemies. I see so many areas in which I fall short of these things. Then I look at the Church in Acts where they had everything in common and loved each other and took care of each other. That didn't seem to last for very long. I wonder what happened. My heart longs for that. I am torn between idealism and reality. I want to live in harmony with everyone. Love and give. I have a love-hate relationship with money. It is a necessary evil in my eyes. When we were discussing Marx in my class, I think everyone kind of missed the point. Sure, it's inherently flawed and so beyond anything that we experience in our capitalistic society that we can't even begin to imagine anything like his idea of communism. He thought everyone should work hard, and in that hard work be rewarded with enough to get through life comfortably. My classmates argued that it simply isn't fair for a doctor and receptionist to get paid the same amount of money when one is clearly worthy of a higher wage. I think Marx believed that in his society, people would be working not out of any kind of monetary ambition, but simply because that is the work that they love to do. Greed would have to be completely lost for that to work. I think he painted a picture of a really pretty world: no greed. no strife between neighbors because everyone is working toward the common good. People would live together and give as they saw need. We have given money such a prominent role in our culture. Sure... you have to have money to live. But why should money be our motivation. We assign value to things. Nothing is inherently valuable. Gold holds no value until someone says it does. Same with our paper money. The copper that makes up a penny is worth more than the exchange of a penny in our culture. Think about that for a second. Sometimes I sit and imagine a society with no money. Boo for capitalism. Makes me want to go live on a commune... but that would be crazy, right? At least that's what I've been told.....

dream big.

2008-10-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

hi. this is what i want to do with my life. amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ck2ltGyvTs

grateful for grace.

2008-10-11T16:03:00.003-05:00

i am learning more and more that all things change. that i do not have God figured out. that my own inadequacies are glaring and that i need God every step of the way. why does it seem that i have been this place before? it's like clockwork. I find myself in a desperate situation and realize that only the Lord holds my life and can order my steps. so i pursue him hard and run to his feet with passion and zeal. then things start falling into place once again and i walk along feeling like God and me and doing pretty good until one day i wake up realizing that i no longer rely upon him for every breath and every step. it's not that i've become "bad" or have neglected to acknowledge him at work in my life. i just realize that the depth i once experience has been stolen by my own independence and self-reliance. he is no longer my sustenance. i am jolted once again with a recognition of my own depravity and a disconnectedness from my ever faithful creator. it's a slippery slope because i have a deceiving sense of my present journey with him. i know the right things to say. i pray and i still see things through a lens of christianity and righteousness. it's innate in me. by his grace, might i add. but in that, i don't even realize what is happening. how is this cycle ever going to end? i try not to rely on anyone. wanting to walk on my own and shielding myself from vulnerability. so how am i supposed to consistently hold to a deep vulnerability with this seemingly invisible force. it takes effort to recognize God in the world around us. how grateful am i for a reminder this week that God is faithful and pursues us even when we don't realize or understand his actions. we are unable to know him and cannot fathom the crazy path he takes us on. so while i become frustrated with my never-ending cycle of dependence and self-sufficiency, i'm learning to take life one day at a time. to not worry about the steps i can take to change my own heart, but trust that the Lord is faithful to guide me through today and will take care of the heart-changing stuff on his own. so today, i choose to be grateful for the grace that he lavishes on me. the persistence with which he pursues and never neglects to humble me and make me once again dependent.

happiness vs. joy

2008-06-17T16:35:00.003-05:00

i'm reading a book called "social intelligence" by daniel goleman, and i found this to be an interesting assertion considering it is not coming from any kind of christian perspective.

in regard to parenting and shielding children from any kind of difficulty or failure:

"that notion misreads the data on resilience and happiness: such overprotection is in fact a form of deprivation. the idea that a child should avoid misery at all costs distorts both the reality of life and the ways children learn to find happiness.

more important for a child than seeking some elusive perpetual happiness, researchers find, is learning how to deescalate emotional storms. the goal for parenting should not be achieving a brittle 'positive' psychology-clinging to a state of perpetual joy in one's children-but rather teaching a child how to return on her own to a state of contentment, whatever may happen."

interesting contrast of happiness compared with joy. even from a worldly perspective, they don't believe shielding oneself from pain produces depth and true joy. i wonder what the prosperity gospel blasphemers would say about this.. haha...

reflection.

2008-06-11T10:04:00.003-05:00

life is in such a whirlwind right now. but i am so amazed and praising the Lord that i am feeling peace like never before. i feel my attention stretched as i'm having to pay attention to a hundred little details, but able to rest in knowing that the Lord is guiding my steps. if you knew me a year ago.. you would seriously wonder if this is the same person. i am that person who takes everything into her hands and controls it, praying that the Lord will bless the things she goes after... rather than simply trusting that the Lord will bring about His plans in His time, and it's ok if it isn't exactly what i had pictured. in fact.. it's generally much more beautiful. a year ago, i was struggling with how to walk and move and take initiative without wrapping my heart up in something to the point that i become crushed when it doesn't work out. i was caught in a seemingly endless cycle of big hopes and dreams being crushed and stripped from my hands. this year has been filled with many things coming and going. as i'm trying to figure out exactly what direction i need to go down, what to pursue, what to let go of, i am experiencing a freedom that i never imagined could exist. i am still dreaming and walking toward those dreams, but i'm learning that the goal is not those dreams in and of themselves. the goal is more of Christ, and if i am moving in that direction, it doesn't matter how i get there. God has proven himself faithful. he never moves early, but he never fails to move. he makes everything beautiful in his time. if i truly believe his is both sovereign and good, i can confidently trust in his guiding. and i know he's not gonna reveal all the answers to me right now, so i have no other choice but to leave the future in his hands and seek him for how i should walk today. i am amazed at the work he has done in my heart. how he used my own selfishness and pride to humble me and let me see the beauty and freedom in truly trusting him. not just to bless my choices, but to take away the things i think i need so that he may be more glorified.

what a beautiful God.

hope in heartache.

2008-05-26T22:45:00.003-05:00

i've been thinking a lot about love and heartache. i've been thinking about how differently we as christians should and do deal with these issues. i mean.. we hurt just as deeply as everyone else, but we can have a different perspective on the pain. if we really believe that the Lord is both sovereign and good, even our pain becomes an opportunity for growth.. and joy. it seems that these times of deep pain can be some of the most beautiful moments with the Lord. think about it.. when we come to this place of complete brokenness, and then for even just a moment see a crystal clear glimpse of how the Lord is working growth through the situation, and we are able to feel the closeness of the spirit like we can only experience when we are at the end of ourselves, then we can hold to hope in our spirit that He is all we could ever need or want. our life becomes no longer about the pain we are experiencing in this moment, but about something much bigger than ourselves. truly realizing that our life is not our own. finding the only true life in laying ours down. this crazy paradox that miraculously leads to more freedom and joy than we could have ever imagined. without Christ, what can the world hope in? without this understanding that the Almighty is intricately working in our lives to bring us a place of greatest joy, how can they deal with the dark, deep hurts that we feel? my heart is burdened tonight for those that experience pain without a hope to which they can cling.

strength in weakness.

2008-05-11T21:34:00.003-05:00

my devotional yesterday talked about resting in times of weakness. funny.. 'cause the Lord has been teaching this to me in the last few weeks. i always want to do something. fix things. if something is wrong, i want to work toward a solution. make progress. move forward. and the Lord has so graciously put me at a place where everything is literally outside of my control. there is nothing that i can do. no arm that i can twist. no band-aid that i can put on my heart to make it feel better. it's simply going to take time and the Lord's grace and healing to pull me through this point. a frustrating and freeing lesson all in one. realizing it is out of my control is something that is hard for me to accept and be able to operate within. but at the same time, makes me feel so free in realizing that i don't have to figure it out. i don't have to try to move forward and find healing. i can lean on Him and He will be my strength. in His time, He will pull me to the other side and make something so beautiful in its time. He does that. not me. i can take no credit. so i wait. patiently? well.. i try to wait patiently, at least.. leaning upon Him and the support of priceless friends to hold me up and teach me in the midst of weakness.

He is good.

2008-05-09T00:51:00.000-05:00

i'm a big fan of moments when the Lord reminds us just to have fun.

He is good.

growth.

2008-05-07T12:55:00.005-05:00

i'm like one of those people i badger about posting more frequently. my apologies to any that may have been a victim to my badgering.

the Lord has been so faithful in teaching me soooo much over the last couple of months. i will hit the high points:

1. i am learning to cling to Him in ways that i've never known before. being the self-sufficient, independent girl that i am.. i've been broken and so aware of my need of His strength. i'm learning my inadequacy, but find hope in realizing that He is adequate.

2. in the midst of my learning to cling to Him, i'm also learning the beauty of deep community. finding wholeness through shared experiences and accountability. all in all, i suppose you could say that my independent banner i have proudly held most of my life has been broken down. and what a beautiful process it has been.

3. logic fails. this has probably been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. i want to believe that things can be explained, but the Lord has shown me through several broken situations that i can't figure Him out. His ways are higher than mine, and i can't understand what He does. this lesson is also coupled with the realization that i can't always use logic to sway my heart. sometimes we just have to feel hurt and pain, and no matter how clearly we can see the situation, that doesn't soothe a broken heart. the only thing that can do that is time and continued pursuit of the Lord.

4. He is good. even when i can't understand what's going on.. i can rest in this crazy faith that my life is being held together by the almighty creator of the universe, and He loves me. so even the most distressful situations can be seen as glorious because it is all part of his plan in moving us toward Him. it is beautiful.

5. i overthink things. i know.. surprising. but seriously.. i need to learn to STOP thinking and just stop and praise. if i am pursing Him, He's not gonna let me get all crazy and screw up my life. He's directing it anyway, so i must just draw closer to Him and listen for His whispers to know the next step toward His purposes in my life.

those are some tidbits. there's so much more.. but let's just stop and rest in him for a moment. find our hearts' satisfaction in him alone.. everything else fades in the light of that.

change.

2008-04-11T22:51:00.003-05:00

I've been looking back on my college years the last couple of days. It's so sad to me to think about how close you become to so many people. How familiar their smell, their touch, their voice. And then you wake up one day, and they are simply gone. Even in the instance of an eventual drifting apart, you realize all at once that they are no longer the friend you once knew. I've had so many of these throughout my life, and SO many in just the last four years. A time of much growth, much togetherness, and a new determination to live deeply. But even in depth of life, no guarantee exists that those with whom you walk deeply will still be walking by your side in the years to come. We move fast and things change, and if you resist the change, you only end up making yourself miserable because things will change whether you like it or not. So does that mean you stop loving? Stop fighting for depth of life? Maybe that should motivate us to fight harder. Love deeper. I've had the honor to be friends with some amazing people in my lifetime. But I can't hold to them and refuse to let change happen. I must appreciate and savor every moment I was able to share and then let go to see the incredible places the Lord leads us. But I'm still saddened at knowing that I will say good-bye for the last time at some point to a great majority of the people I have come to hold so close to my heart. The thought of all the effort required to build new, deep friendship exhausts me. I know it's natural and gradual, but sometimes I just want to hold the earth still and revisit that moment one last time... Perhaps that is part of the allure to marriage. That's the one constant you can trust in. A person that will never leave. I'm ready for consistency and rhythm. I'm finding it hard to let go...

"even the things that seem still are still changing... i stay focused on details. it keeps me from feeling the big things. but watch the microscope long enough, things that seem still are still changing."
-ben folds

hearts and logic.

2008-04-11T09:41:00.003-05:00

so i had a huge revelation last night: my heart doesn't understand the language of logic.

that is frustrating for someone who:
a. wants to be able to control things.
and
b. tries to be logical and level-headed about everything.

realizing that i can't use logic to sway the desires of my heart is really frustrating me at the moment. i know the Lord has purpose in creating us like that, but right now i just feel that my heart is evil and wants things contrary to what i know is the will of the Lord. i just want to tell it to shut up and trust God because He has it all together. that it can rest in the promise that the Lord is faithful, and know that its desires are not best.

*sigh*
what a week...

jamba mumbo jumbo.

2008-04-02T17:12:00.004-05:00

i'm wasting some time at jamba juice before heading to work at church tonight. oh how i love free wi-fi... and tasty good-for-you snacks. what a lovely place.

i'm pretty sure no one reads this, so i'm just gonna ramble for a bit. if you peek at this, consider yourself warned.

over the last few days, i have been looking back over all that the Lord has done in the last six weeks. i am truly at awe of his grace and love and just amazkindmercwowness. i had to make up a word because nothing seemed adequate. but seriously... i feel like a completely different person. i feel more free and more broken than i have in a very long time. seemingly contradicting feelings, i realize... but not when you're dealing with this guy. that seems to be how he works. i have been humbled in so many ways... forced to cling to him and not to depend on anyone else. not to trust in my abilities, logic, or control. and to really grasp that has changed everything. he is more glorified, and i am most satisfied. funny how that works. the funny thing about this all is that i never thought that i would be able to find some sort of contentment like that without either having all my junk together or being completely crushed and feeling like slime. (sometimes... i'm an extremist, what can i say?) but i'm learning that it's just not about me at all. i am completely depraved and nothing good is in me. anything good is credited to him... so it doesn't matter where i am. i'm sure that sounds like a duh to you calvinists out there... but i feel like i have a new grasp on this. it's different from just hearing the words and knowing the truth deep in my being. he is good and that is enough. WOW.

this week i will be in the hv/denton area about twice as much as my apt. i'm ready to live here.
43 days. EEK!

nickel and dimed.

2008-03-31T16:12:00.002-05:00

i just finished a very interesting book. the author is a journalist who traversed the lines of class to try her hand at making ends meet in low-wage jobs. working day and night to make ends meet, living in temporary housing with only a car at her disposal, she had some very interesting remarks at the end of her venture that i would like to share (and if you don't read them all.. at least read the last quote;) ):

"Most civilized nations compensate for the inadequacy of wages by providing relatively generous public services such as health insurance, free or subsidized child care, subsidized housing, and effective public transportation. But the United States, for all its wealth, leaves its citizens to fend for themselves-facing market-based rents, for example, on their wages alone. For millions of Americans, that $10-or even $8 or $6- hourly wage is all there is."

"To go from the bottom 20 percent to the top 20 percent is to enter a magical world where needs are met, problems are solved, almost without any intermediate effort. If you want to get somewhere fast, you hail a cab. If your aged parents have grown tiresome or incontinent, you put them away where others will deal with their dirty diapers and dementia. If you are part of the upper-middle-class majority that employs a maid or maid service, you return from work to find the house miraculously restored to order-the toilet bowls [poop]-free and gleaming, the socks that you left on the floor levitated back to their normal dwelling place. Here, sweat is a metaphor for hard work, but seldom its consequence. Hundreds of little things get done, reliably and routinely ever day, without anyone's seeming to do them."

"Guilt...Isn't that what we're supposed to feel? But guilt doesn't go anywhere near far enough; the appropriate emotion is shame-shame at our own dependency, in this case, on the underpaid labor of others. When someone works for less pay than she can live on-when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently- then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The "working poor," as they are so approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation so that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else."

state of the union.

2008-03-27T11:56:00.002-05:00

it feels like each new week brings monumental changes in my life, these days. it's weird to think of all that is going to be changing in such a short time. new home. new job. new school. new city. new friends. *sigh*

but i'm doing well. this semester, God has chosen to teach me some hard lessons. learn to cling to him as my one and only constant. what does real, authentic, deep love really look like? what kind of person do i want to really be? what kind of life to do i want to truly pursue? things that i've always understood on one level, he has deepened and pushed deep within my soul. there have been tears, laughing, anger, brokenness, frustration. to think of it all is a little overwhelming, but in the end, i can say that he is good. he is faithful. through it all, he's given me a quiet confidence. i think (key word) that i'm getting a glimpse of some things just around the corner, but i've learned to not anticipate it or try and figure things out. to enjoy where i am and deeply trust in where he is leading. i am beginning to remember that deep feeling when i am in the center of his will. sometimes i forget that and try to forge my own path. i get anxious and want to control my path. but through all of the broken dreams and letting go that i have endured over the last 4 years, i can see that he knew best all along. imagine that... so i'm learning to trust him and to look for that inner confidence to hear his voice and follow his guiding. i'm so glad he loves me enough to take away the things that mean the world to me if they will bring me more of him. at times, it's so hard for me to understand, but i'm learning to trust from deep inside that he is faithful.

that's the spiritual things, but here's the rest. i've sent in all my stuff to eastern in philadelphia. just waiting on an answer now. i've most likely found a place in denton to chill out for the summer. i found my dream job in philadelphia.. no worries.. an application will be sent in asap. graduation is right around the corner, and i am pumped about a summer of just working, reading, and enjoying community. i'm grateful for a glimpse, but i'm also learning to truly enjoy the surprises, bumps, and bruises along the way...

living the extreme love.

2008-03-18T22:38:00.002-05:00

i had an epiphany today:

it's oftentimes much easier to love strangers at a distance than to unconditionally and deeply love the people in my everyday life.

i was thinking today about how Jesus commanded us to love our enemies (ok.. that one's hard) but also to love those than can offer us nothing in return. i have this strong sense of conviction for the homeless and impoverished. i want to sell all my things and just go and live and love them. i want to be in the hard places and find fulfillment in seeing the impact a simple act of kindness can have on a person's demeanor. don't worry.. i'm still working at this. i have a passion for it, but find that my practice often falls short of really walking this out. but on the other hand, i find it much more difficult at times to love my family, roommates and friends.

why is this?

well... you are much more vulnerable with these people. they actually know you, so are much more able to prod at just the right time to deeply hurt you. also, you know them on a deeper level, so you are able to get closer and see the things that may frustrate you about them. i can say i love my friends and act kindly toward them, but how do i respond when i get frustrated with them? what do i do when i feel like they are making less effort than me in the relationship? instead of loving them with an extreme love and pursuing them.. really pouring into them and edifying them.. rather than going out of my way to make sure they are loved and cared for i find myself frustrated and prideful. unwilling to get over myself enough to find out what is going on under the surface.

oh God, may i not forgot that my neighbor is not just the stranger down the street, but also my family member that i find no common ground with. i may take these in my life for granted and it seems like this is a place the enemy can plant a seed.

i want extreme love in EVERY area. not just the distant, disconnected places.

faithful.

2008-03-08T14:53:00.001-06:00

so amazing...

There's a distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue, knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as a loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

As I wait for you maybe I am made more faithful

by brooke fraser