ramblings of a discontented soul.

we are surrounded by it on every side. scientists and anthropologists have spent countless hours studying the biological intricacies of it. any good movie or novel speaks of it. the human soul screams from deep within in search of it.

love.

i've recently come to be a cynic, i must confess. i always thought i had a pretty good grip on the whole idea. i don't hold to allusions of prince charming or the slaying of dragons. i have never believed that one could attain real, meaningful love through the charms of sex. i know it's a choice and more than just a feeling. i know it is unselfish, does not envy, does not boast. but even with all of this logic, i feel like my perceptions of the whole idea have fallen short of the reality of this word.

i'm logical. one could even say i have come to pride myself on this fact. but logic and common sense cannot ease the pains of heartache or describe the ecstasy shared between two lovers. while cognitive understanding may be possible, those little things called emotions still seem to get in the way. but beyond that, i've even begun to wonder something else:

what
is
love
really?

we see pictures of love through our movies. tales of happily ever after and fighting for a love that conquers all. "all you need is love" echos through the music, and everyone seems to be on a search for that perfect match. but what about that bit character that is rejected for no other reason than "they're just not 'the one'"? not really what i'm looking for...

or i've seen love mirrored in the lives of those around me. it seems like a disease that often overtakes them and makes them completely oblivious to anyone else in the world. two people so wrapped up in each other that literally no one else matters. nope... not interested in that either.

or there's the love that always seems to be striving. fighting for justification in a relationship that finds no peace within the soul. it looks perfect on the outside, but for whatever reason, the pieces just don't seem to fit. whether it's different life paths, secret sin, or simply incompatibility, the lovers will most likely spend their lives trying to convince themselves it really is right, or they will end up searching for love in another place. if that's love.. i don't want it.

so what does God-centered, romantic love really look like? i've been giving this a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks. unfortunately, i find very few couples to look up to as models of this kind of love. so my imagination has been at work. i went back to an old sermon of matt's on sex and love. he talked about raw-aw and ahava love in the old testament. this sort of relentless love that says i see the good, bad, and ugly, and still choose to walk with you through this life. love that says i'm not going anywhere. i'm here to stay. i can't even begin to think i can express or understand the depths of all this, but i wonder how beautifully vulnerable the Lord wants us to be with those around us.

my heart longs to experience that kind of depth.

i imagine the security found in that love and am discontented with shallow relationships. i can't wrap my mind around all of this right now. that's frustrating to me. i know this post is unconnected and insufficient, but it's my thoughts as of late. i long for more. more depth. more grace. more brokenness if that's what it will take to achieve depth. i'm tired of cliches and sunday school answers. of boys instead of men. of strivings within my soul for things that will not satisfy. his love is deep and wide and SUFFICIENT.



and sometimes i wish my mind simply had an off button. this is one of those nights.

why not?

10 years ago:
age 12. man... oh... man. let's see. i was more confident then than i could ever imagine myself now. i still had glasses in the 6th grade and was a proud member of the math club. i loved my shaq laker's jersey, and i'm pretty sure i still thought stir-ups were in fashion. my best friend was kristen beaupre and i was an amazing goalie for my soccer team and on the dance ministry at church. i was convinced that law school at harvard was the only future for me (hence the reason my dad began then saving for my college education). and to top it all off... i was on the computer olympiad team. what can i say? once a nerd.... always a nerd.

Things on my To-Do List for Today:
close my little eyes and off to dreamland...
tomorrow: work all day.. and then figuring out the rest of my life. ya know.. the usual..

What I would do if I suddenly became a BILLIONAIRE!!
i would build my grandparents a house on their farm. then i would buy my mom new "hip" clothes. haha.. and then i would give all the money away to the relational tithe before it ruined my life.

3 of my baD HAbiTS:
1. i interrupt people a lot.
2. sometimes i talk loud (according to joy).
3. and i type loud.. also according to joy.
but seriously.. i wash my hands..... incessantly. it's probably a sickness.
and i can get obsessed with efficiency and forget that relationships and patience with people is more important than getting a task done.

5 jobs I have had:
1. auntie anne's pretzel girl
2. dbu cashiers office
3. opening freaking bell coffee
4. nannying-ish this current family
5. i interned (aka gave in to "the man") at a printing company in the summer

5 things people don't know about me:
1. i have a strict routine in the shower. and there have been times that i have skipped a step and forgotten to wash my hair. it's sad to think about.
2. when i get really stressed, i run away and drive to an unfamiliar place to explore or somewhere pretty where i can be outside enjoying some serenity.
3. i sometimes get the urge to sell everything i own. this usually just ends in my going through some of my stuff and getting rid of things in a moment of impulse.
4. i cannot stand to leave a page of my journal half-way completed. i sometimes go back and write on a different day and "finish my thoughts" after the fact. i kinda feel like that's journal cheating or something...
5. i love to organize things. for example, all of my pictures are organized on my external hard drive by semesters and then by events within the semester. i am ocd about this.

alright. anyone who possibly reads this blog has already been tagged, so it's gonna have to just end with me this time.

thanks for sharing, ash!

wanted.

i am currently accepting applications for someone.... anyone... to volunteer and make God-centered decisions regarding the rest of my life. any takers?

benefits include:
a stress-free robin.. much more enjoyable to be around than a crazed twentysomething trying to find her way.
sufficient payment in the form of chocolate eggs. mmmm....
intangible benefits that are too good to mention on here. ;)
i have a hat i could probably give you.
and i'm sure the Lord would reward you in your pursuit of Him in regards to a clear path for my walking.

so.... anyone?

hold to Him.

i am grateful that the Lord cares about me enough to take away even those things that i am convinced i need and want. i feel a different kind of broken. i am amazed at how the Lord prepares us and is so faithful. i'm thankful for the peace and the grace to feel love and pain and brokenness. i think God forgets that i need a break or at least something constant to hold to. orrrr... he's just trying to teach me that i need to hold to him alone and let him be my only constant. that's probably more like it.

things i am thankful for:
a God who is bigger and more involved in my life than i can even begin to imagine.
friends who love me and are so good to me.
shane & shane. jeff johnson. rich mullins. bethany dillon. and john mayer.
painting.
colby.. my iPod, of course. ;)
the amazing, big sky.
memories.

sorry.. just needed a little reminder for myself.
God is GOOD.