dream big.

hi. this is what i want to do with my life. amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ck2ltGyvTs

grateful for grace.

i am learning more and more that all things change. that i do not have God figured out. that my own inadequacies are glaring and that i need God every step of the way. why does it seem that i have been this place before? it's like clockwork. I find myself in a desperate situation and realize that only the Lord holds my life and can order my steps. so i pursue him hard and run to his feet with passion and zeal. then things start falling into place once again and i walk along feeling like God and me and doing pretty good until one day i wake up realizing that i no longer rely upon him for every breath and every step. it's not that i've become "bad" or have neglected to acknowledge him at work in my life. i just realize that the depth i once experience has been stolen by my own independence and self-reliance. he is no longer my sustenance. i am jolted once again with a recognition of my own depravity and a disconnectedness from my ever faithful creator. it's a slippery slope because i have a deceiving sense of my present journey with him. i know the right things to say. i pray and i still see things through a lens of christianity and righteousness. it's innate in me. by his grace, might i add. but in that, i don't even realize what is happening. how is this cycle ever going to end? i try not to rely on anyone. wanting to walk on my own and shielding myself from vulnerability. so how am i supposed to consistently hold to a deep vulnerability with this seemingly invisible force. it takes effort to recognize God in the world around us. how grateful am i for a reminder this week that God is faithful and pursues us even when we don't realize or understand his actions. we are unable to know him and cannot fathom the crazy path he takes us on. so while i become frustrated with my never-ending cycle of dependence and self-sufficiency, i'm learning to take life one day at a time. to not worry about the steps i can take to change my own heart, but trust that the Lord is faithful to guide me through today and will take care of the heart-changing stuff on his own. so today, i choose to be grateful for the grace that he lavishes on me. the persistence with which he pursues and never neglects to humble me and make me once again dependent.

happiness vs. joy

i'm reading a book called "social intelligence" by daniel goleman, and i found this to be an interesting assertion considering it is not coming from any kind of christian perspective.

in regard to parenting and shielding children from any kind of difficulty or failure:

"that notion misreads the data on resilience and happiness: such overprotection is in fact a form of deprivation. the idea that a child should avoid misery at all costs distorts both the reality of life and the ways children learn to find happiness.

more important for a child than seeking some elusive perpetual happiness, researchers find, is learning how to deescalate emotional storms. the goal for parenting should not be achieving a brittle 'positive' psychology-clinging to a state of perpetual joy in one's children-but rather teaching a child how to return on her own to a state of contentment, whatever may happen."

interesting contrast of happiness compared with joy. even from a worldly perspective, they don't believe shielding oneself from pain produces depth and true joy. i wonder what the prosperity gospel blasphemers would say about this.. haha...

reflection.

life is in such a whirlwind right now. but i am so amazed and praising the Lord that i am feeling peace like never before. i feel my attention stretched as i'm having to pay attention to a hundred little details, but able to rest in knowing that the Lord is guiding my steps. if you knew me a year ago.. you would seriously wonder if this is the same person. i am that person who takes everything into her hands and controls it, praying that the Lord will bless the things she goes after... rather than simply trusting that the Lord will bring about His plans in His time, and it's ok if it isn't exactly what i had pictured. in fact.. it's generally much more beautiful. a year ago, i was struggling with how to walk and move and take initiative without wrapping my heart up in something to the point that i become crushed when it doesn't work out. i was caught in a seemingly endless cycle of big hopes and dreams being crushed and stripped from my hands. this year has been filled with many things coming and going. as i'm trying to figure out exactly what direction i need to go down, what to pursue, what to let go of, i am experiencing a freedom that i never imagined could exist. i am still dreaming and walking toward those dreams, but i'm learning that the goal is not those dreams in and of themselves. the goal is more of Christ, and if i am moving in that direction, it doesn't matter how i get there. God has proven himself faithful. he never moves early, but he never fails to move. he makes everything beautiful in his time. if i truly believe his is both sovereign and good, i can confidently trust in his guiding. and i know he's not gonna reveal all the answers to me right now, so i have no other choice but to leave the future in his hands and seek him for how i should walk today. i am amazed at the work he has done in my heart. how he used my own selfishness and pride to humble me and let me see the beauty and freedom in truly trusting him. not just to bless my choices, but to take away the things i think i need so that he may be more glorified.

what a beautiful God.