grateful for grace.

i am learning more and more that all things change. that i do not have God figured out. that my own inadequacies are glaring and that i need God every step of the way. why does it seem that i have been this place before? it's like clockwork. I find myself in a desperate situation and realize that only the Lord holds my life and can order my steps. so i pursue him hard and run to his feet with passion and zeal. then things start falling into place once again and i walk along feeling like God and me and doing pretty good until one day i wake up realizing that i no longer rely upon him for every breath and every step. it's not that i've become "bad" or have neglected to acknowledge him at work in my life. i just realize that the depth i once experience has been stolen by my own independence and self-reliance. he is no longer my sustenance. i am jolted once again with a recognition of my own depravity and a disconnectedness from my ever faithful creator. it's a slippery slope because i have a deceiving sense of my present journey with him. i know the right things to say. i pray and i still see things through a lens of christianity and righteousness. it's innate in me. by his grace, might i add. but in that, i don't even realize what is happening. how is this cycle ever going to end? i try not to rely on anyone. wanting to walk on my own and shielding myself from vulnerability. so how am i supposed to consistently hold to a deep vulnerability with this seemingly invisible force. it takes effort to recognize God in the world around us. how grateful am i for a reminder this week that God is faithful and pursues us even when we don't realize or understand his actions. we are unable to know him and cannot fathom the crazy path he takes us on. so while i become frustrated with my never-ending cycle of dependence and self-sufficiency, i'm learning to take life one day at a time. to not worry about the steps i can take to change my own heart, but trust that the Lord is faithful to guide me through today and will take care of the heart-changing stuff on his own. so today, i choose to be grateful for the grace that he lavishes on me. the persistence with which he pursues and never neglects to humble me and make me once again dependent.