nickel and dimed.

i just finished a very interesting book. the author is a journalist who traversed the lines of class to try her hand at making ends meet in low-wage jobs. working day and night to make ends meet, living in temporary housing with only a car at her disposal, she had some very interesting remarks at the end of her venture that i would like to share (and if you don't read them all.. at least read the last quote;) ):

"Most civilized nations compensate for the inadequacy of wages by providing relatively generous public services such as health insurance, free or subsidized child care, subsidized housing, and effective public transportation. But the United States, for all its wealth, leaves its citizens to fend for themselves-facing market-based rents, for example, on their wages alone. For millions of Americans, that $10-or even $8 or $6- hourly wage is all there is."

"To go from the bottom 20 percent to the top 20 percent is to enter a magical world where needs are met, problems are solved, almost without any intermediate effort. If you want to get somewhere fast, you hail a cab. If your aged parents have grown tiresome or incontinent, you put them away where others will deal with their dirty diapers and dementia. If you are part of the upper-middle-class majority that employs a maid or maid service, you return from work to find the house miraculously restored to order-the toilet bowls [poop]-free and gleaming, the socks that you left on the floor levitated back to their normal dwelling place. Here, sweat is a metaphor for hard work, but seldom its consequence. Hundreds of little things get done, reliably and routinely ever day, without anyone's seeming to do them."

"Guilt...Isn't that what we're supposed to feel? But guilt doesn't go anywhere near far enough; the appropriate emotion is shame-shame at our own dependency, in this case, on the underpaid labor of others. When someone works for less pay than she can live on-when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently- then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The "working poor," as they are so approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation so that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else."

state of the union.

it feels like each new week brings monumental changes in my life, these days. it's weird to think of all that is going to be changing in such a short time. new home. new job. new school. new city. new friends. *sigh*

but i'm doing well. this semester, God has chosen to teach me some hard lessons. learn to cling to him as my one and only constant. what does real, authentic, deep love really look like? what kind of person do i want to really be? what kind of life to do i want to truly pursue? things that i've always understood on one level, he has deepened and pushed deep within my soul. there have been tears, laughing, anger, brokenness, frustration. to think of it all is a little overwhelming, but in the end, i can say that he is good. he is faithful. through it all, he's given me a quiet confidence. i think (key word) that i'm getting a glimpse of some things just around the corner, but i've learned to not anticipate it or try and figure things out. to enjoy where i am and deeply trust in where he is leading. i am beginning to remember that deep feeling when i am in the center of his will. sometimes i forget that and try to forge my own path. i get anxious and want to control my path. but through all of the broken dreams and letting go that i have endured over the last 4 years, i can see that he knew best all along. imagine that... so i'm learning to trust him and to look for that inner confidence to hear his voice and follow his guiding. i'm so glad he loves me enough to take away the things that mean the world to me if they will bring me more of him. at times, it's so hard for me to understand, but i'm learning to trust from deep inside that he is faithful.

that's the spiritual things, but here's the rest. i've sent in all my stuff to eastern in philadelphia. just waiting on an answer now. i've most likely found a place in denton to chill out for the summer. i found my dream job in philadelphia.. no worries.. an application will be sent in asap. graduation is right around the corner, and i am pumped about a summer of just working, reading, and enjoying community. i'm grateful for a glimpse, but i'm also learning to truly enjoy the surprises, bumps, and bruises along the way...

living the extreme love.

i had an epiphany today:

it's oftentimes much easier to love strangers at a distance than to unconditionally and deeply love the people in my everyday life.

i was thinking today about how Jesus commanded us to love our enemies (ok.. that one's hard) but also to love those than can offer us nothing in return. i have this strong sense of conviction for the homeless and impoverished. i want to sell all my things and just go and live and love them. i want to be in the hard places and find fulfillment in seeing the impact a simple act of kindness can have on a person's demeanor. don't worry.. i'm still working at this. i have a passion for it, but find that my practice often falls short of really walking this out. but on the other hand, i find it much more difficult at times to love my family, roommates and friends.

why is this?

well... you are much more vulnerable with these people. they actually know you, so are much more able to prod at just the right time to deeply hurt you. also, you know them on a deeper level, so you are able to get closer and see the things that may frustrate you about them. i can say i love my friends and act kindly toward them, but how do i respond when i get frustrated with them? what do i do when i feel like they are making less effort than me in the relationship? instead of loving them with an extreme love and pursuing them.. really pouring into them and edifying them.. rather than going out of my way to make sure they are loved and cared for i find myself frustrated and prideful. unwilling to get over myself enough to find out what is going on under the surface.

oh God, may i not forgot that my neighbor is not just the stranger down the street, but also my family member that i find no common ground with. i may take these in my life for granted and it seems like this is a place the enemy can plant a seed.

i want extreme love in EVERY area. not just the distant, disconnected places.

faithful.

so amazing...


There's a distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue, knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as a loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

As I wait for you maybe I am made more faithful

by brooke fraser

ramblings of a discontented soul.

we are surrounded by it on every side. scientists and anthropologists have spent countless hours studying the biological intricacies of it. any good movie or novel speaks of it. the human soul screams from deep within in search of it.

love.

i've recently come to be a cynic, i must confess. i always thought i had a pretty good grip on the whole idea. i don't hold to allusions of prince charming or the slaying of dragons. i have never believed that one could attain real, meaningful love through the charms of sex. i know it's a choice and more than just a feeling. i know it is unselfish, does not envy, does not boast. but even with all of this logic, i feel like my perceptions of the whole idea have fallen short of the reality of this word.

i'm logical. one could even say i have come to pride myself on this fact. but logic and common sense cannot ease the pains of heartache or describe the ecstasy shared between two lovers. while cognitive understanding may be possible, those little things called emotions still seem to get in the way. but beyond that, i've even begun to wonder something else:

what
is
love
really?

we see pictures of love through our movies. tales of happily ever after and fighting for a love that conquers all. "all you need is love" echos through the music, and everyone seems to be on a search for that perfect match. but what about that bit character that is rejected for no other reason than "they're just not 'the one'"? not really what i'm looking for...

or i've seen love mirrored in the lives of those around me. it seems like a disease that often overtakes them and makes them completely oblivious to anyone else in the world. two people so wrapped up in each other that literally no one else matters. nope... not interested in that either.

or there's the love that always seems to be striving. fighting for justification in a relationship that finds no peace within the soul. it looks perfect on the outside, but for whatever reason, the pieces just don't seem to fit. whether it's different life paths, secret sin, or simply incompatibility, the lovers will most likely spend their lives trying to convince themselves it really is right, or they will end up searching for love in another place. if that's love.. i don't want it.

so what does God-centered, romantic love really look like? i've been giving this a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks. unfortunately, i find very few couples to look up to as models of this kind of love. so my imagination has been at work. i went back to an old sermon of matt's on sex and love. he talked about raw-aw and ahava love in the old testament. this sort of relentless love that says i see the good, bad, and ugly, and still choose to walk with you through this life. love that says i'm not going anywhere. i'm here to stay. i can't even begin to think i can express or understand the depths of all this, but i wonder how beautifully vulnerable the Lord wants us to be with those around us.

my heart longs to experience that kind of depth.

i imagine the security found in that love and am discontented with shallow relationships. i can't wrap my mind around all of this right now. that's frustrating to me. i know this post is unconnected and insufficient, but it's my thoughts as of late. i long for more. more depth. more grace. more brokenness if that's what it will take to achieve depth. i'm tired of cliches and sunday school answers. of boys instead of men. of strivings within my soul for things that will not satisfy. his love is deep and wide and SUFFICIENT.



and sometimes i wish my mind simply had an off button. this is one of those nights.

why not?

10 years ago:
age 12. man... oh... man. let's see. i was more confident then than i could ever imagine myself now. i still had glasses in the 6th grade and was a proud member of the math club. i loved my shaq laker's jersey, and i'm pretty sure i still thought stir-ups were in fashion. my best friend was kristen beaupre and i was an amazing goalie for my soccer team and on the dance ministry at church. i was convinced that law school at harvard was the only future for me (hence the reason my dad began then saving for my college education). and to top it all off... i was on the computer olympiad team. what can i say? once a nerd.... always a nerd.

Things on my To-Do List for Today:
close my little eyes and off to dreamland...
tomorrow: work all day.. and then figuring out the rest of my life. ya know.. the usual..

What I would do if I suddenly became a BILLIONAIRE!!
i would build my grandparents a house on their farm. then i would buy my mom new "hip" clothes. haha.. and then i would give all the money away to the relational tithe before it ruined my life.

3 of my baD HAbiTS:
1. i interrupt people a lot.
2. sometimes i talk loud (according to joy).
3. and i type loud.. also according to joy.
but seriously.. i wash my hands..... incessantly. it's probably a sickness.
and i can get obsessed with efficiency and forget that relationships and patience with people is more important than getting a task done.

5 jobs I have had:
1. auntie anne's pretzel girl
2. dbu cashiers office
3. opening freaking bell coffee
4. nannying-ish this current family
5. i interned (aka gave in to "the man") at a printing company in the summer

5 things people don't know about me:
1. i have a strict routine in the shower. and there have been times that i have skipped a step and forgotten to wash my hair. it's sad to think about.
2. when i get really stressed, i run away and drive to an unfamiliar place to explore or somewhere pretty where i can be outside enjoying some serenity.
3. i sometimes get the urge to sell everything i own. this usually just ends in my going through some of my stuff and getting rid of things in a moment of impulse.
4. i cannot stand to leave a page of my journal half-way completed. i sometimes go back and write on a different day and "finish my thoughts" after the fact. i kinda feel like that's journal cheating or something...
5. i love to organize things. for example, all of my pictures are organized on my external hard drive by semesters and then by events within the semester. i am ocd about this.

alright. anyone who possibly reads this blog has already been tagged, so it's gonna have to just end with me this time.

thanks for sharing, ash!