ramblings of a discontented soul.

we are surrounded by it on every side. scientists and anthropologists have spent countless hours studying the biological intricacies of it. any good movie or novel speaks of it. the human soul screams from deep within in search of it.

love.

i've recently come to be a cynic, i must confess. i always thought i had a pretty good grip on the whole idea. i don't hold to allusions of prince charming or the slaying of dragons. i have never believed that one could attain real, meaningful love through the charms of sex. i know it's a choice and more than just a feeling. i know it is unselfish, does not envy, does not boast. but even with all of this logic, i feel like my perceptions of the whole idea have fallen short of the reality of this word.

i'm logical. one could even say i have come to pride myself on this fact. but logic and common sense cannot ease the pains of heartache or describe the ecstasy shared between two lovers. while cognitive understanding may be possible, those little things called emotions still seem to get in the way. but beyond that, i've even begun to wonder something else:

what
is
love
really?

we see pictures of love through our movies. tales of happily ever after and fighting for a love that conquers all. "all you need is love" echos through the music, and everyone seems to be on a search for that perfect match. but what about that bit character that is rejected for no other reason than "they're just not 'the one'"? not really what i'm looking for...

or i've seen love mirrored in the lives of those around me. it seems like a disease that often overtakes them and makes them completely oblivious to anyone else in the world. two people so wrapped up in each other that literally no one else matters. nope... not interested in that either.

or there's the love that always seems to be striving. fighting for justification in a relationship that finds no peace within the soul. it looks perfect on the outside, but for whatever reason, the pieces just don't seem to fit. whether it's different life paths, secret sin, or simply incompatibility, the lovers will most likely spend their lives trying to convince themselves it really is right, or they will end up searching for love in another place. if that's love.. i don't want it.

so what does God-centered, romantic love really look like? i've been giving this a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks. unfortunately, i find very few couples to look up to as models of this kind of love. so my imagination has been at work. i went back to an old sermon of matt's on sex and love. he talked about raw-aw and ahava love in the old testament. this sort of relentless love that says i see the good, bad, and ugly, and still choose to walk with you through this life. love that says i'm not going anywhere. i'm here to stay. i can't even begin to think i can express or understand the depths of all this, but i wonder how beautifully vulnerable the Lord wants us to be with those around us.

my heart longs to experience that kind of depth.

i imagine the security found in that love and am discontented with shallow relationships. i can't wrap my mind around all of this right now. that's frustrating to me. i know this post is unconnected and insufficient, but it's my thoughts as of late. i long for more. more depth. more grace. more brokenness if that's what it will take to achieve depth. i'm tired of cliches and sunday school answers. of boys instead of men. of strivings within my soul for things that will not satisfy. his love is deep and wide and SUFFICIENT.



and sometimes i wish my mind simply had an off button. this is one of those nights.