optimism.

I had a couple of really good conversations with some sweet friends last week. I've been doing a great deal of thinking about optimism ever since. Over the past year or so, I feel that I have let my heart slowly harden and grow bitter from life. I feel a constant stream of slammed doors to opportunities I felt would ease my burden and carry me toward the place I want to be. My general cheery demeanor and optimism has seemed to seep from my heart and taken a bit of compassion along with them. In my thinking, I have realized that it takes more than just saying I need to be optimistic. Hopeful. I have to have a reason for hope. Optimism is rooted out of a heart that is peaceful and has found joy. Hope is an overflow of a heart that is fully satisfied. Something deeper than a contentment with what life has brought. It's about more than endurance of life as it is. Hope is aware of the sovereign God who holds all things in his hands. A God whose love is unmatched and unshaken and is working each and everyday for my good. A beautiful thing. This is what I want. This is what I am praying for right now in my life. A peace and joy that overflows with hope and colors every other part of my life. He is good and speaking sweetly to my soul this morning.

Psalm 39:7
"And now, Oh Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you."

my husband, the comedian.

Ben is such a great counterpart for me. I get so serious sometimes, and he makes me chill out and remember to laugh. I remember a conversation with my roommates in college about the number one thing we want in our husbands. Both of theirs was 'funny'. That's the one thing they most required. A man that could make them laugh. They were shocked when I told them that trait wasn't even on my radar. I needed a thinker. A smart man. Someone 'deep'. I couldn't be more grateful that I was wrong and that God blessed me with a man that is not only smart, but really funny.

For example, we were getting Mr. Bruce spiffed up (ya know... like an oil change) at Pet Smart. While we were waiting for the nice lady to finish his 'pawdicure', we were looking for a new toy for him since he has pretty much chewed all of his up. We came across a chocolate flavored bone chew toy. I thought it was kind of weird, but Ben's reaction was much stronger. "That's the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. That's like making a toy for kids that tastes like gasoline so that whenever they come across the real thing, they eat it right up since it's a TREAT." Now I don't know if that's gonna translate, but it was hilarious in that moment.

Also, you have not experienced 'The Bachelor' at its best if you have not watched it with Mr. Garcia. I hope I always think he is as funny as I do now. I'm learning that laughter is the best medicine and life is so much more fun if you laugh hard and often. More evidence that God knows better than I what is best for my life. A truth filled with peace.

My friend, Jen, shared this on her blog yesterday. I love it.
"We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward."

As expressed in my last post, lots of things are up in the air. I am still working meager hours at my job. I pick up subbing jobs when my will and providence collide. ie. I'm not extremely consistent with the choosing. I had an interview with DBU the other day about a possible position. I should find out next week if that is a deal, or if there will be more waiting. I am still in the process of becoming certified to teach in the fall. At this point, we're up for almost anything. Just ready for a change. We'll see.

In the meantime, it's hard not to feel like I am just watching life pass me by. It's easy to be lazy when you feel there is nothing to do. My parents gave me a sewing machine for my birthday. That has been nice. An opportunity to create something. So I'm getting quite a collection of aprons (pictures to be posted soon). I have a desire to read something really great, but never seem in the mood to find something and then be still long enough to read.

In the words of John Mayer, "It's just a season thing. It's just this thing that seasons do." Perfectly ambiguous to sum up life right now. It just is what it is. I feel ready to tackle the new thing. Just waiting to figure out what that new thing is.

As I lay here in bed, next to my sweet, sleeping husband (a 5am bible study will do that to you) and my puppy cuddled up between us, the only thing I realize I can do is enjoy this time. I want nothing more than for us to have 9-5 jobs right now that provide financial security and allow us time together. The 'American Dream' looks frighteningly appealing right now. But this is where we are. Nights alone while Ben works and goes to school. Random points during the day together when we're both actually home together. For now, this is how it must be. So I need to just embrace it and have fun. I always want to remember to have fun. I get in such a serious mode that I can't allow myself to have fun. I want to work on that. And everything else, well I know He's got it figured out and it will all come together in his time. I'm learning to appreciate each brushstroke because He is working a masterpiece in my life. It's just hard to see at times.