Beggar's Heart

When You build, it feels like You tear me apart
When you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when You fill, You leave me with a beggar's heart

-bethany dillon

Pictures.

Transition.

This whole year has seemed to be one of huge transition. Living alone for the first time. Planning a wedding. Learning to be a wife. Figuring out what kind of job I want, and then figuring out what kind of job I can actually get. Changing churches... twice. Being content with that fact.... etc.

Now I am usually one to embrace change. I love when things are moving. I even enjoy moving. Packing up and then getting all settled in somewhere new. But things have been changing...slowly. I like fast movement. But I'm beginning to see that God is using each opportunity to teach me to trust him more. A lesson I thought I had learned previously, but am realizing I still have much to learn.

Other things in the life:
We have a sweet new puppy. Meet Mr. Bruce.


He's a handful. But a sweetheart, of course. ;)

I'm also waiting to hear back about jobs. IBC hired me as an intern to head up their Thanksgiving Basket project. I'm looking forward to that and ready to get into it. Waiting to hear back about an IBC/Apartment Life job that would be awesome. I also turned in all my paperwork last week to Mansfield ISD for substitute teaching. Actually really looking forward to that. So depending on the timing of when everything could happen, I could be looking at 4 different jobs all at once. Adding that to Ben's current 3 jobs and we are really wondering what God is doing with us. No full time jobs have opened up, so this looks like this is how our lives will be looking for a bit, at least. Trusting... trusting.

Other than that, we're just trying to figure out what we'll do when our lease is up in January. Trying to get Ben enrolled in school at UTA for the spring semester. Looking forward. A little blindly, but with renewed confidence that the Lord has a plan. ;)

I hope all is well in your world.

I'm realizing more and more what a gift from the Lord my husband is to me. This week has felt very heavy. In times past, when a heavy weight sits on my shoulder, I retreat and find solace in my aloneness. But it's hard to do that when you are married, have nowhere to run, and can't find the strength to hide the strain. He is there. My sweet husband has these amazing arms that hold me when I feel so fragile. He kisses away my tears and prays strength and peace over me. God's grace in bringing him to me overwhelms me. We walk so deeply together. There's no room for hiding or staying shallow with him. He knows me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And yet, his love is unwavering. What a testament to the love of Christ! An incredible picture of God enabling man to experience, if for only a glimpse, of his sweet love for us. Those moments of walking deeply make the petty arguments and frustrations of everyday life seem so meaningless. Maybe that's how God sees his love toward us. He knows us so intimately and has such an all-encompassing love for us that our short-comings and mistakes pale in comparison. I want to learn to love like this. God and man. Reclaim the compassion that once flooded my heart. I miss it.

Intentional Living

I've been reading a lot of books lately about food. What we put into our body, how it's made, nutrients, etc. It's been very interesting. More than anything, I'm realizing how much of my lifes just happens. I'm aren't intentional about many things. I hardly give a second thought to what I eat. I don't think too much about how I spend my time or how I spend my money. Most of the time I just go through the motions and do whatever feels good at the time. I've been rethinking that kind of mindset the last couple of weeks. Dave Ramsey always tells people that simply paying attention to where your money goes is the first step in getting control of it. I thik that is the same with most things. So my new objective: Intentional Living.

This means Ben and I got a breadmaker. The bread you buy in the store is pretty poor quality filled with all kinds of processed sweeteners and junk. And it's good bread. We've been trying to eat more fruits and lots of veggies. When we go to the store to get stuff to cook, I am much more aware of labels and high fructose corn syrup. And I think a little harder about it before I grab a soda. It's been good, and I'm enjoying whole foods a lot more. Actually enjoying the sweetness of fresh fruit and the antioxidants racing through my body. One thing at a time, though. I've been pretty focused on getting a healthy balance of food. Then we can move on to some of the other pressing issues.

Just thought I would share. It's been awhile since I've written on here. I want to get back in the habit.

engagement.

woohoo for being engaged!

some things i've learned from my first 3 days of engagement:

1. people are really happy for you. simple concept, but i have truly felt overwhelmed and so loved by all of the encouraging notes, phone calls, etc. that i have received. the people in my life is what has made this so fun and i can't imagine not having such amazing people to share in joy with.

2. in light of that, i am quickly seeing my dreams of a small, simple wedding slipping away. on the one hand, i feel very sad... and much more overwhelmed than when small and simple is what i thought i would get. but on the other hand, feeling so much love from so many people makes me want to include them in our big day.

3. it is very easy to get overwhelmed. there are a thousand decisions to make and things to get done, and with an already full life, it is very difficult to see how this is going to come together. i know it will be a lot of fun, but i can already see that i am going to have to take great strides to ensure enjoyment of each step.

4. i didn't really think that being engaged would really feel different, but it does. i feel legitimized in our relationship and even more ready to move forward than before. i like it. so far....