change.

I've been looking back on my college years the last couple of days. It's so sad to me to think about how close you become to so many people. How familiar their smell, their touch, their voice. And then you wake up one day, and they are simply gone. Even in the instance of an eventual drifting apart, you realize all at once that they are no longer the friend you once knew. I've had so many of these throughout my life, and SO many in just the last four years. A time of much growth, much togetherness, and a new determination to live deeply. But even in depth of life, no guarantee exists that those with whom you walk deeply will still be walking by your side in the years to come. We move fast and things change, and if you resist the change, you only end up making yourself miserable because things will change whether you like it or not. So does that mean you stop loving? Stop fighting for depth of life? Maybe that should motivate us to fight harder. Love deeper. I've had the honor to be friends with some amazing people in my lifetime. But I can't hold to them and refuse to let change happen. I must appreciate and savor every moment I was able to share and then let go to see the incredible places the Lord leads us. But I'm still saddened at knowing that I will say good-bye for the last time at some point to a great majority of the people I have come to hold so close to my heart. The thought of all the effort required to build new, deep friendship exhausts me. I know it's natural and gradual, but sometimes I just want to hold the earth still and revisit that moment one last time... Perhaps that is part of the allure to marriage. That's the one constant you can trust in. A person that will never leave. I'm ready for consistency and rhythm. I'm finding it hard to let go...


"even the things that seem still are still changing... i stay focused on details. it keeps me from feeling the big things. but watch the microscope long enough, things that seem still are still changing."
-ben folds

hearts and logic.

so i had a huge revelation last night: my heart doesn't understand the language of logic.

that is frustrating for someone who:
a. wants to be able to control things.
and
b. tries to be logical and level-headed about everything.

realizing that i can't use logic to sway the desires of my heart is really frustrating me at the moment. i know the Lord has purpose in creating us like that, but right now i just feel that my heart is evil and wants things contrary to what i know is the will of the Lord. i just want to tell it to shut up and trust God because He has it all together. that it can rest in the promise that the Lord is faithful, and know that its desires are not best.

*sigh*
what a week...

jamba mumbo jumbo.

i'm wasting some time at jamba juice before heading to work at church tonight. oh how i love free wi-fi... and tasty good-for-you snacks. what a lovely place.

i'm pretty sure no one reads this, so i'm just gonna ramble for a bit. if you peek at this, consider yourself warned.

over the last few days, i have been looking back over all that the Lord has done in the last six weeks. i am truly at awe of his grace and love and just amazkindmercwowness. i had to make up a word because nothing seemed adequate. but seriously... i feel like a completely different person. i feel more free and more broken than i have in a very long time. seemingly contradicting feelings, i realize... but not when you're dealing with this guy. that seems to be how he works. i have been humbled in so many ways... forced to cling to him and not to depend on anyone else. not to trust in my abilities, logic, or control. and to really grasp that has changed everything. he is more glorified, and i am most satisfied. funny how that works. the funny thing about this all is that i never thought that i would be able to find some sort of contentment like that without either having all my junk together or being completely crushed and feeling like slime. (sometimes... i'm an extremist, what can i say?) but i'm learning that it's just not about me at all. i am completely depraved and nothing good is in me. anything good is credited to him... so it doesn't matter where i am. i'm sure that sounds like a duh to you calvinists out there... but i feel like i have a new grasp on this. it's different from just hearing the words and knowing the truth deep in my being. he is good and that is enough. WOW.

this week i will be in the hv/denton area about twice as much as my apt. i'm ready to live here.
43 days. EEK!