life would be so much easier if my sole ambition was a corner office with a view. but my heart beats misery when success is measured by dollars rather than a touched life and dreams fully alive.

inspiring.

"Wendell Berry is no dour scold who preaches a joyless austerity. To the contrary, he tells us that what we truly seek in life is not comfort, but meaning – and that you don't have to live a life of rigorous asceticism to find it. Rather, we only need to order our lives around the ancient idea that happiness depends on virtue – virtue lived in community. We can only be fulfilled by living within the bounds prescribed by our nature, and in fidelity not to our selfish desires but to the greater good of our families, friends and communities."

For the full article about this wise man:
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/opinion/points/stories/DN-dreher_26edi.State.Edition1.21c9278.html

let the experiment begin!

i have been cracking up at people's reactions over the news of our next president. some have been elated... others think the world is coming to an end. and still others are just completely apathetic to the whole situation. me? i am choosing to think of this as a social experiment. first of all, let me explain my reasonings for voting mccain/palin. at the outset of this election, i was an obama supporter. i was excited about his ideas of change and the strong emphasis on helping those in need. i liked that he wanted to help young people get an education and get involved in community service. over the last few months, though, some of my opinions have changed. while i do believe very strongly in community service and helping those in need, i don't believe this is the responsibility of the government. teaching someone to fish, rather than just giving them a fish, will bode much better in the long run. i have a very big beef with our capitalistic society... i do not believe it cultivates generosity or community, but greed and individualism. however, that is the society in which we live, and a major overhaul of that paradigm is going to be extremely painful. i have also come to issue with the associations obama has had. i think the people you surround yourself with tells a great deal about you as a person, and he seems to befriend extremely controversial figures. that scares me. so my vote unfortunately wasn't really for mccain, but rather against obama this year.

but alas... here we are. i honestly do not feel any anxiety about the next four years. my peace is in the Lord and i know that no matter who the president is, God is my only source or hope. but i do feel that it will be very interesting to see how things play out. obama absolutely will not be able to carry out a great percentage of his proposed policies. they simply are not feasible, especially in our current economic situation. in addition, the ones that will be put into place are so different from anything ever proposed in my lifetime that i am very interested to see how they play out. i honestly hope that they do work. that at the end of the next four years, our america will be a better place than it is today. i hope that pride does not blind any good that could potentially come from this administration. many of his policies are my ideals, i am just too much of a pragmatist to hold much hope that they will work in our society. but alas, i will see my ideals implemented to some degree and can measure the true effectiveness of them. so i hold optimistic. the world was still turning when i woke up this morning. all we can do is hope that tomorrow will be better than today and work for ourselves to better our world. we can't depend upon government to change what we can do ourselves. so i'm buckling in and getting ready to take some notes...

the ideal.

I think Karl Marx has gotten a worse rap than he really deserves. I think he was simply an idealist. I relate with many of his frustrations, and even think he has some great thoughts on how living should look. The only problem is that we live in this horribly fallen world. Otherwise... it would be fantastic. I was reading in Romans the other day about how we are to love each other. To love generously, give to those in need, hold nothing against a neighbor, and love our enemies. I see so many areas in which I fall short of these things. Then I look at the Church in Acts where they had everything in common and loved each other and took care of each other. That didn't seem to last for very long. I wonder what happened. My heart longs for that. I am torn between idealism and reality. I want to live in harmony with everyone. Love and give. I have a love-hate relationship with money. It is a necessary evil in my eyes. When we were discussing Marx in my class, I think everyone kind of missed the point. Sure, it's inherently flawed and so beyond anything that we experience in our capitalistic society that we can't even begin to imagine anything like his idea of communism. He thought everyone should work hard, and in that hard work be rewarded with enough to get through life comfortably. My classmates argued that it simply isn't fair for a doctor and receptionist to get paid the same amount of money when one is clearly worthy of a higher wage. I think Marx believed that in his society, people would be working not out of any kind of monetary ambition, but simply because that is the work that they love to do. Greed would have to be completely lost for that to work. I think he painted a picture of a really pretty world: no greed. no strife between neighbors because everyone is working toward the common good. People would live together and give as they saw need. We have given money such a prominent role in our culture. Sure... you have to have money to live. But why should money be our motivation. We assign value to things. Nothing is inherently valuable. Gold holds no value until someone says it does. Same with our paper money. The copper that makes up a penny is worth more than the exchange of a penny in our culture. Think about that for a second. Sometimes I sit and imagine a society with no money. Boo for capitalism. Makes me want to go live on a commune... but that would be crazy, right? At least that's what I've been told.....

dream big.

hi. this is what i want to do with my life. amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ck2ltGyvTs

grateful for grace.

i am learning more and more that all things change. that i do not have God figured out. that my own inadequacies are glaring and that i need God every step of the way. why does it seem that i have been this place before? it's like clockwork. I find myself in a desperate situation and realize that only the Lord holds my life and can order my steps. so i pursue him hard and run to his feet with passion and zeal. then things start falling into place once again and i walk along feeling like God and me and doing pretty good until one day i wake up realizing that i no longer rely upon him for every breath and every step. it's not that i've become "bad" or have neglected to acknowledge him at work in my life. i just realize that the depth i once experience has been stolen by my own independence and self-reliance. he is no longer my sustenance. i am jolted once again with a recognition of my own depravity and a disconnectedness from my ever faithful creator. it's a slippery slope because i have a deceiving sense of my present journey with him. i know the right things to say. i pray and i still see things through a lens of christianity and righteousness. it's innate in me. by his grace, might i add. but in that, i don't even realize what is happening. how is this cycle ever going to end? i try not to rely on anyone. wanting to walk on my own and shielding myself from vulnerability. so how am i supposed to consistently hold to a deep vulnerability with this seemingly invisible force. it takes effort to recognize God in the world around us. how grateful am i for a reminder this week that God is faithful and pursues us even when we don't realize or understand his actions. we are unable to know him and cannot fathom the crazy path he takes us on. so while i become frustrated with my never-ending cycle of dependence and self-sufficiency, i'm learning to take life one day at a time. to not worry about the steps i can take to change my own heart, but trust that the Lord is faithful to guide me through today and will take care of the heart-changing stuff on his own. so today, i choose to be grateful for the grace that he lavishes on me. the persistence with which he pursues and never neglects to humble me and make me once again dependent.

happiness vs. joy

i'm reading a book called "social intelligence" by daniel goleman, and i found this to be an interesting assertion considering it is not coming from any kind of christian perspective.

in regard to parenting and shielding children from any kind of difficulty or failure:

"that notion misreads the data on resilience and happiness: such overprotection is in fact a form of deprivation. the idea that a child should avoid misery at all costs distorts both the reality of life and the ways children learn to find happiness.

more important for a child than seeking some elusive perpetual happiness, researchers find, is learning how to deescalate emotional storms. the goal for parenting should not be achieving a brittle 'positive' psychology-clinging to a state of perpetual joy in one's children-but rather teaching a child how to return on her own to a state of contentment, whatever may happen."

interesting contrast of happiness compared with joy. even from a worldly perspective, they don't believe shielding oneself from pain produces depth and true joy. i wonder what the prosperity gospel blasphemers would say about this.. haha...

reflection.

life is in such a whirlwind right now. but i am so amazed and praising the Lord that i am feeling peace like never before. i feel my attention stretched as i'm having to pay attention to a hundred little details, but able to rest in knowing that the Lord is guiding my steps. if you knew me a year ago.. you would seriously wonder if this is the same person. i am that person who takes everything into her hands and controls it, praying that the Lord will bless the things she goes after... rather than simply trusting that the Lord will bring about His plans in His time, and it's ok if it isn't exactly what i had pictured. in fact.. it's generally much more beautiful. a year ago, i was struggling with how to walk and move and take initiative without wrapping my heart up in something to the point that i become crushed when it doesn't work out. i was caught in a seemingly endless cycle of big hopes and dreams being crushed and stripped from my hands. this year has been filled with many things coming and going. as i'm trying to figure out exactly what direction i need to go down, what to pursue, what to let go of, i am experiencing a freedom that i never imagined could exist. i am still dreaming and walking toward those dreams, but i'm learning that the goal is not those dreams in and of themselves. the goal is more of Christ, and if i am moving in that direction, it doesn't matter how i get there. God has proven himself faithful. he never moves early, but he never fails to move. he makes everything beautiful in his time. if i truly believe his is both sovereign and good, i can confidently trust in his guiding. and i know he's not gonna reveal all the answers to me right now, so i have no other choice but to leave the future in his hands and seek him for how i should walk today. i am amazed at the work he has done in my heart. how he used my own selfishness and pride to humble me and let me see the beauty and freedom in truly trusting him. not just to bless my choices, but to take away the things i think i need so that he may be more glorified.

what a beautiful God.

hope in heartache.

i've been thinking a lot about love and heartache. i've been thinking about how differently we as christians should and do deal with these issues. i mean.. we hurt just as deeply as everyone else, but we can have a different perspective on the pain. if we really believe that the Lord is both sovereign and good, even our pain becomes an opportunity for growth.. and joy. it seems that these times of deep pain can be some of the most beautiful moments with the Lord. think about it.. when we come to this place of complete brokenness, and then for even just a moment see a crystal clear glimpse of how the Lord is working growth through the situation, and we are able to feel the closeness of the spirit like we can only experience when we are at the end of ourselves, then we can hold to hope in our spirit that He is all we could ever need or want. our life becomes no longer about the pain we are experiencing in this moment, but about something much bigger than ourselves. truly realizing that our life is not our own. finding the only true life in laying ours down. this crazy paradox that miraculously leads to more freedom and joy than we could have ever imagined. without Christ, what can the world hope in? without this understanding that the Almighty is intricately working in our lives to bring us a place of greatest joy, how can they deal with the dark, deep hurts that we feel? my heart is burdened tonight for those that experience pain without a hope to which they can cling.

strength in weakness.

my devotional yesterday talked about resting in times of weakness. funny.. 'cause the Lord has been teaching this to me in the last few weeks. i always want to do something. fix things. if something is wrong, i want to work toward a solution. make progress. move forward. and the Lord has so graciously put me at a place where everything is literally outside of my control. there is nothing that i can do. no arm that i can twist. no band-aid that i can put on my heart to make it feel better. it's simply going to take time and the Lord's grace and healing to pull me through this point. a frustrating and freeing lesson all in one. realizing it is out of my control is something that is hard for me to accept and be able to operate within. but at the same time, makes me feel so free in realizing that i don't have to figure it out. i don't have to try to move forward and find healing. i can lean on Him and He will be my strength. in His time, He will pull me to the other side and make something so beautiful in its time. He does that. not me. i can take no credit. so i wait. patiently? well.. i try to wait patiently, at least.. leaning upon Him and the support of priceless friends to hold me up and teach me in the midst of weakness.

He is good.

i'm a big fan of moments when the Lord reminds us just to have fun.

He is good.

growth.

i'm like one of those people i badger about posting more frequently. my apologies to any that may have been a victim to my badgering.

the Lord has been so faithful in teaching me soooo much over the last couple of months. i will hit the high points:

1. i am learning to cling to Him in ways that i've never known before. being the self-sufficient, independent girl that i am.. i've been broken and so aware of my need of His strength. i'm learning my inadequacy, but find hope in realizing that He is adequate.

2. in the midst of my learning to cling to Him, i'm also learning the beauty of deep community. finding wholeness through shared experiences and accountability. all in all, i suppose you could say that my independent banner i have proudly held most of my life has been broken down. and what a beautiful process it has been.

3. logic fails. this has probably been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. i want to believe that things can be explained, but the Lord has shown me through several broken situations that i can't figure Him out. His ways are higher than mine, and i can't understand what He does. this lesson is also coupled with the realization that i can't always use logic to sway my heart. sometimes we just have to feel hurt and pain, and no matter how clearly we can see the situation, that doesn't soothe a broken heart. the only thing that can do that is time and continued pursuit of the Lord.

4. He is good. even when i can't understand what's going on.. i can rest in this crazy faith that my life is being held together by the almighty creator of the universe, and He loves me. so even the most distressful situations can be seen as glorious because it is all part of his plan in moving us toward Him. it is beautiful.

5. i overthink things. i know.. surprising. but seriously.. i need to learn to STOP thinking and just stop and praise. if i am pursing Him, He's not gonna let me get all crazy and screw up my life. He's directing it anyway, so i must just draw closer to Him and listen for His whispers to know the next step toward His purposes in my life.

those are some tidbits. there's so much more.. but let's just stop and rest in him for a moment. find our hearts' satisfaction in him alone.. everything else fades in the light of that.

change.

I've been looking back on my college years the last couple of days. It's so sad to me to think about how close you become to so many people. How familiar their smell, their touch, their voice. And then you wake up one day, and they are simply gone. Even in the instance of an eventual drifting apart, you realize all at once that they are no longer the friend you once knew. I've had so many of these throughout my life, and SO many in just the last four years. A time of much growth, much togetherness, and a new determination to live deeply. But even in depth of life, no guarantee exists that those with whom you walk deeply will still be walking by your side in the years to come. We move fast and things change, and if you resist the change, you only end up making yourself miserable because things will change whether you like it or not. So does that mean you stop loving? Stop fighting for depth of life? Maybe that should motivate us to fight harder. Love deeper. I've had the honor to be friends with some amazing people in my lifetime. But I can't hold to them and refuse to let change happen. I must appreciate and savor every moment I was able to share and then let go to see the incredible places the Lord leads us. But I'm still saddened at knowing that I will say good-bye for the last time at some point to a great majority of the people I have come to hold so close to my heart. The thought of all the effort required to build new, deep friendship exhausts me. I know it's natural and gradual, but sometimes I just want to hold the earth still and revisit that moment one last time... Perhaps that is part of the allure to marriage. That's the one constant you can trust in. A person that will never leave. I'm ready for consistency and rhythm. I'm finding it hard to let go...


"even the things that seem still are still changing... i stay focused on details. it keeps me from feeling the big things. but watch the microscope long enough, things that seem still are still changing."
-ben folds

hearts and logic.

so i had a huge revelation last night: my heart doesn't understand the language of logic.

that is frustrating for someone who:
a. wants to be able to control things.
and
b. tries to be logical and level-headed about everything.

realizing that i can't use logic to sway the desires of my heart is really frustrating me at the moment. i know the Lord has purpose in creating us like that, but right now i just feel that my heart is evil and wants things contrary to what i know is the will of the Lord. i just want to tell it to shut up and trust God because He has it all together. that it can rest in the promise that the Lord is faithful, and know that its desires are not best.

*sigh*
what a week...

jamba mumbo jumbo.

i'm wasting some time at jamba juice before heading to work at church tonight. oh how i love free wi-fi... and tasty good-for-you snacks. what a lovely place.

i'm pretty sure no one reads this, so i'm just gonna ramble for a bit. if you peek at this, consider yourself warned.

over the last few days, i have been looking back over all that the Lord has done in the last six weeks. i am truly at awe of his grace and love and just amazkindmercwowness. i had to make up a word because nothing seemed adequate. but seriously... i feel like a completely different person. i feel more free and more broken than i have in a very long time. seemingly contradicting feelings, i realize... but not when you're dealing with this guy. that seems to be how he works. i have been humbled in so many ways... forced to cling to him and not to depend on anyone else. not to trust in my abilities, logic, or control. and to really grasp that has changed everything. he is more glorified, and i am most satisfied. funny how that works. the funny thing about this all is that i never thought that i would be able to find some sort of contentment like that without either having all my junk together or being completely crushed and feeling like slime. (sometimes... i'm an extremist, what can i say?) but i'm learning that it's just not about me at all. i am completely depraved and nothing good is in me. anything good is credited to him... so it doesn't matter where i am. i'm sure that sounds like a duh to you calvinists out there... but i feel like i have a new grasp on this. it's different from just hearing the words and knowing the truth deep in my being. he is good and that is enough. WOW.

this week i will be in the hv/denton area about twice as much as my apt. i'm ready to live here.
43 days. EEK!

nickel and dimed.

i just finished a very interesting book. the author is a journalist who traversed the lines of class to try her hand at making ends meet in low-wage jobs. working day and night to make ends meet, living in temporary housing with only a car at her disposal, she had some very interesting remarks at the end of her venture that i would like to share (and if you don't read them all.. at least read the last quote;) ):

"Most civilized nations compensate for the inadequacy of wages by providing relatively generous public services such as health insurance, free or subsidized child care, subsidized housing, and effective public transportation. But the United States, for all its wealth, leaves its citizens to fend for themselves-facing market-based rents, for example, on their wages alone. For millions of Americans, that $10-or even $8 or $6- hourly wage is all there is."

"To go from the bottom 20 percent to the top 20 percent is to enter a magical world where needs are met, problems are solved, almost without any intermediate effort. If you want to get somewhere fast, you hail a cab. If your aged parents have grown tiresome or incontinent, you put them away where others will deal with their dirty diapers and dementia. If you are part of the upper-middle-class majority that employs a maid or maid service, you return from work to find the house miraculously restored to order-the toilet bowls [poop]-free and gleaming, the socks that you left on the floor levitated back to their normal dwelling place. Here, sweat is a metaphor for hard work, but seldom its consequence. Hundreds of little things get done, reliably and routinely ever day, without anyone's seeming to do them."

"Guilt...Isn't that what we're supposed to feel? But guilt doesn't go anywhere near far enough; the appropriate emotion is shame-shame at our own dependency, in this case, on the underpaid labor of others. When someone works for less pay than she can live on-when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently- then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The "working poor," as they are so approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation so that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else."

state of the union.

it feels like each new week brings monumental changes in my life, these days. it's weird to think of all that is going to be changing in such a short time. new home. new job. new school. new city. new friends. *sigh*

but i'm doing well. this semester, God has chosen to teach me some hard lessons. learn to cling to him as my one and only constant. what does real, authentic, deep love really look like? what kind of person do i want to really be? what kind of life to do i want to truly pursue? things that i've always understood on one level, he has deepened and pushed deep within my soul. there have been tears, laughing, anger, brokenness, frustration. to think of it all is a little overwhelming, but in the end, i can say that he is good. he is faithful. through it all, he's given me a quiet confidence. i think (key word) that i'm getting a glimpse of some things just around the corner, but i've learned to not anticipate it or try and figure things out. to enjoy where i am and deeply trust in where he is leading. i am beginning to remember that deep feeling when i am in the center of his will. sometimes i forget that and try to forge my own path. i get anxious and want to control my path. but through all of the broken dreams and letting go that i have endured over the last 4 years, i can see that he knew best all along. imagine that... so i'm learning to trust him and to look for that inner confidence to hear his voice and follow his guiding. i'm so glad he loves me enough to take away the things that mean the world to me if they will bring me more of him. at times, it's so hard for me to understand, but i'm learning to trust from deep inside that he is faithful.

that's the spiritual things, but here's the rest. i've sent in all my stuff to eastern in philadelphia. just waiting on an answer now. i've most likely found a place in denton to chill out for the summer. i found my dream job in philadelphia.. no worries.. an application will be sent in asap. graduation is right around the corner, and i am pumped about a summer of just working, reading, and enjoying community. i'm grateful for a glimpse, but i'm also learning to truly enjoy the surprises, bumps, and bruises along the way...

living the extreme love.

i had an epiphany today:

it's oftentimes much easier to love strangers at a distance than to unconditionally and deeply love the people in my everyday life.

i was thinking today about how Jesus commanded us to love our enemies (ok.. that one's hard) but also to love those than can offer us nothing in return. i have this strong sense of conviction for the homeless and impoverished. i want to sell all my things and just go and live and love them. i want to be in the hard places and find fulfillment in seeing the impact a simple act of kindness can have on a person's demeanor. don't worry.. i'm still working at this. i have a passion for it, but find that my practice often falls short of really walking this out. but on the other hand, i find it much more difficult at times to love my family, roommates and friends.

why is this?

well... you are much more vulnerable with these people. they actually know you, so are much more able to prod at just the right time to deeply hurt you. also, you know them on a deeper level, so you are able to get closer and see the things that may frustrate you about them. i can say i love my friends and act kindly toward them, but how do i respond when i get frustrated with them? what do i do when i feel like they are making less effort than me in the relationship? instead of loving them with an extreme love and pursuing them.. really pouring into them and edifying them.. rather than going out of my way to make sure they are loved and cared for i find myself frustrated and prideful. unwilling to get over myself enough to find out what is going on under the surface.

oh God, may i not forgot that my neighbor is not just the stranger down the street, but also my family member that i find no common ground with. i may take these in my life for granted and it seems like this is a place the enemy can plant a seed.

i want extreme love in EVERY area. not just the distant, disconnected places.

faithful.

so amazing...


There's a distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue, knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as a loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

As I wait for you maybe I am made more faithful

by brooke fraser

ramblings of a discontented soul.

we are surrounded by it on every side. scientists and anthropologists have spent countless hours studying the biological intricacies of it. any good movie or novel speaks of it. the human soul screams from deep within in search of it.

love.

i've recently come to be a cynic, i must confess. i always thought i had a pretty good grip on the whole idea. i don't hold to allusions of prince charming or the slaying of dragons. i have never believed that one could attain real, meaningful love through the charms of sex. i know it's a choice and more than just a feeling. i know it is unselfish, does not envy, does not boast. but even with all of this logic, i feel like my perceptions of the whole idea have fallen short of the reality of this word.

i'm logical. one could even say i have come to pride myself on this fact. but logic and common sense cannot ease the pains of heartache or describe the ecstasy shared between two lovers. while cognitive understanding may be possible, those little things called emotions still seem to get in the way. but beyond that, i've even begun to wonder something else:

what
is
love
really?

we see pictures of love through our movies. tales of happily ever after and fighting for a love that conquers all. "all you need is love" echos through the music, and everyone seems to be on a search for that perfect match. but what about that bit character that is rejected for no other reason than "they're just not 'the one'"? not really what i'm looking for...

or i've seen love mirrored in the lives of those around me. it seems like a disease that often overtakes them and makes them completely oblivious to anyone else in the world. two people so wrapped up in each other that literally no one else matters. nope... not interested in that either.

or there's the love that always seems to be striving. fighting for justification in a relationship that finds no peace within the soul. it looks perfect on the outside, but for whatever reason, the pieces just don't seem to fit. whether it's different life paths, secret sin, or simply incompatibility, the lovers will most likely spend their lives trying to convince themselves it really is right, or they will end up searching for love in another place. if that's love.. i don't want it.

so what does God-centered, romantic love really look like? i've been giving this a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks. unfortunately, i find very few couples to look up to as models of this kind of love. so my imagination has been at work. i went back to an old sermon of matt's on sex and love. he talked about raw-aw and ahava love in the old testament. this sort of relentless love that says i see the good, bad, and ugly, and still choose to walk with you through this life. love that says i'm not going anywhere. i'm here to stay. i can't even begin to think i can express or understand the depths of all this, but i wonder how beautifully vulnerable the Lord wants us to be with those around us.

my heart longs to experience that kind of depth.

i imagine the security found in that love and am discontented with shallow relationships. i can't wrap my mind around all of this right now. that's frustrating to me. i know this post is unconnected and insufficient, but it's my thoughts as of late. i long for more. more depth. more grace. more brokenness if that's what it will take to achieve depth. i'm tired of cliches and sunday school answers. of boys instead of men. of strivings within my soul for things that will not satisfy. his love is deep and wide and SUFFICIENT.



and sometimes i wish my mind simply had an off button. this is one of those nights.

why not?

10 years ago:
age 12. man... oh... man. let's see. i was more confident then than i could ever imagine myself now. i still had glasses in the 6th grade and was a proud member of the math club. i loved my shaq laker's jersey, and i'm pretty sure i still thought stir-ups were in fashion. my best friend was kristen beaupre and i was an amazing goalie for my soccer team and on the dance ministry at church. i was convinced that law school at harvard was the only future for me (hence the reason my dad began then saving for my college education). and to top it all off... i was on the computer olympiad team. what can i say? once a nerd.... always a nerd.

Things on my To-Do List for Today:
close my little eyes and off to dreamland...
tomorrow: work all day.. and then figuring out the rest of my life. ya know.. the usual..

What I would do if I suddenly became a BILLIONAIRE!!
i would build my grandparents a house on their farm. then i would buy my mom new "hip" clothes. haha.. and then i would give all the money away to the relational tithe before it ruined my life.

3 of my baD HAbiTS:
1. i interrupt people a lot.
2. sometimes i talk loud (according to joy).
3. and i type loud.. also according to joy.
but seriously.. i wash my hands..... incessantly. it's probably a sickness.
and i can get obsessed with efficiency and forget that relationships and patience with people is more important than getting a task done.

5 jobs I have had:
1. auntie anne's pretzel girl
2. dbu cashiers office
3. opening freaking bell coffee
4. nannying-ish this current family
5. i interned (aka gave in to "the man") at a printing company in the summer

5 things people don't know about me:
1. i have a strict routine in the shower. and there have been times that i have skipped a step and forgotten to wash my hair. it's sad to think about.
2. when i get really stressed, i run away and drive to an unfamiliar place to explore or somewhere pretty where i can be outside enjoying some serenity.
3. i sometimes get the urge to sell everything i own. this usually just ends in my going through some of my stuff and getting rid of things in a moment of impulse.
4. i cannot stand to leave a page of my journal half-way completed. i sometimes go back and write on a different day and "finish my thoughts" after the fact. i kinda feel like that's journal cheating or something...
5. i love to organize things. for example, all of my pictures are organized on my external hard drive by semesters and then by events within the semester. i am ocd about this.

alright. anyone who possibly reads this blog has already been tagged, so it's gonna have to just end with me this time.

thanks for sharing, ash!

wanted.

i am currently accepting applications for someone.... anyone... to volunteer and make God-centered decisions regarding the rest of my life. any takers?

benefits include:
a stress-free robin.. much more enjoyable to be around than a crazed twentysomething trying to find her way.
sufficient payment in the form of chocolate eggs. mmmm....
intangible benefits that are too good to mention on here. ;)
i have a hat i could probably give you.
and i'm sure the Lord would reward you in your pursuit of Him in regards to a clear path for my walking.

so.... anyone?

hold to Him.

i am grateful that the Lord cares about me enough to take away even those things that i am convinced i need and want. i feel a different kind of broken. i am amazed at how the Lord prepares us and is so faithful. i'm thankful for the peace and the grace to feel love and pain and brokenness. i think God forgets that i need a break or at least something constant to hold to. orrrr... he's just trying to teach me that i need to hold to him alone and let him be my only constant. that's probably more like it.

things i am thankful for:
a God who is bigger and more involved in my life than i can even begin to imagine.
friends who love me and are so good to me.
shane & shane. jeff johnson. rich mullins. bethany dillon. and john mayer.
painting.
colby.. my iPod, of course. ;)
the amazing, big sky.
memories.

sorry.. just needed a little reminder for myself.
God is GOOD.

what if...

yesterday i was wondering what it would be like to live in a world where guys and girls' restrooms were no longer separate. random... yes. but let's think about this for a sec. if we never divided the genders, would it be such a big deal that they are separate. i mean.. of course now that we have had boys and girls rooms for such a long time, it would just be weird if we now decided that these two should become one. but what if there was never a difference? would we feel as though something was wrong?

or how about the drinking age. what if we never had a drinking age, and teenagers could gulp as they see fit? would they be out of control in their consumption? or would it be less of a big deal simply because everyone could do it? is the allure just in the fact that they cannot do it? i wonder..

or what if girls didn't shave their legs? now i know.. you're thinking GROSS. but if we had never felt the smoothness of a freshly shaved calf, would we really think it was that out of place? we simply wouldn't know any better.

i know.. weird post. but i was just thinking about how many of our actions are based on societal norms and not hardened facts of nature. things could be different in another world at another time. we've created this world. i just think that's so interesting.

that is all.

interconnectedness.

"Why is it that people get married?
Because we need a witness to our lives.
There’s a billion people on the planet.
What does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,
All of it… all the time, every day.
You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.”
Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004

i love this explanation of marriage and just being connected to others in general. i've been reading a book lately, and it talks a lot about interdependence with people and how this has become a lost art among our culture. we emphasize independence and self-sufficiency over leaning upon others. i've been thinking through this a bit and realized that i'm not even really sure what it looks like to be interdependent. but i have come to appreciate a few deep relationships over several shallow ones, and allowing myself to be vulnerable in an attempt at being known. it seems that we all long for someone to take notice of our lives and walk along beside us. but this community must be fought for. it doesn't come easy with the voices of culture resounding in our ears telling us to look out for number one and don't trust anyone other than yourself. perhaps one day i will have a better grasp on this. for now, building authentic community will be the focus of some attention for me.

protesting the microwave.

i've decided that i'm tired of living in a microwave society. while i do enjoy many of the conveniences of the world in which we live....
........cars...................................
.................cell phones.............
......wireless internet..............
.....................electricity...........
.............tivo..............................
...............digital cameras.......
....hot water.............................
...........fast food........................
just to name a few....

i am also unconvinced that most of these things serve to actually better our lives. in an attempt to make everything so much simpler, we have complicated the universe beyond reason. instead of using a travel agent to make vacation arrangements, we have loads of information at our fingertips to get the absolute best price. we try this day and this airline and this hotel and hope that it equals the most efficient option. in reality, it overwhelms us with more information than we can sort through. this need for control permeates every aspect of our lives, eventually leading to a societal breakdown. (this is my prediction, at least).

fast food makes us fat. high-speed internet makes us impatient. tivo makes us demanding. and advil makes us numb to the slightest pain so we don't know how to deal when real pain comes our way.

today i want to move somewhere away from the bustle and need for convenience. i know this will pass as soon as i want my tall vanilla non-fat latte, but for now, i long for something more.

end rant.

the art of being known.

i asked the Lord two years ago for deeper relationships, and i am just now really beginning to take a look back and appreciate all that he has done in these two years. i can see how i was virtually horrified of letting anyone close enough to see that i'm not perfect. my anthem to the world:
"you will never know who i really am inside. you only see what i can't hide. and if you even see that much, then stop right there. that's close enough." -levi smith

but the Lord has broken me and made me less than satisfied with superficial relationships that stroke my ego and hide my insecurities. i have learned through home group and trying to walk through life living authentically, that only in times of great vulnerability can you truly be known and encouraged. i have learned to share my failings and that with friends i have grown to trust, these confessions are never met by judgmental eyes or pitiful remarks, but with mourning and love. this is a beauty of christian community that i feel few other people are able to experience. it saddens me that most christians even, are unable to tear down their pride enough to experience this blessing.

also, i've come to learn the beauty in knowing a person and truly being known. what it's like to take down your guard and decide that you are really going to give this thing called love a shot. oh what a great risk to share yourself and have no guarantee of this person's reaction. but being known is one of the deepest longings of our heart, and with such deep water, much risk is present. as chandler has often said, we are called to love, no matter what the other person's response may be. oh, to appreciate the beauty and depth of a love that cannot be swayed. a love that is diligent and puts its own desires to sleep in the light of caring for another. my prayer today is that i may learn this kind of love. for i feel it greater than any other thing we could experience in this broken world.

LOST

it's true. i might be a little obsessed. but i am super pumped about the LOST premiere tomorrow night!! that's pretty much all i've been up to lately, so that's all i have to update about.

oh how i've missed thee... kate, sawyer, JACK, claire, sun, jin, john, sayid, hugo, and charlie.

goodbye 21...

so today i cross over into the world of adulthood. for the first time in my life, i feel as though this is a rite of passage that i am fighting with everything in me. perhaps it is because of the lack of uncertainty as to what this year will hold, or perhaps the feeling that expectations arise when one reaches this certain point along the journey of life. i suppose i just need to remember that there is a balance (as always) to having fun and not taking life too seriously and moving toward the more responsible things of life. it's weird because i generally feel as though i am ready for the next stage of life when it comes around. when it was time to get a car and start driving.. i was comfortable with the pile of metal and a full tank of gas. when high school graduation rolled around, i embraced the good-byes, black gowns, and a packed car ready to drive into my future life. in the last year, i have felt ready for graduation and life after college. now that it's almost here, i feel the seeds of doubt creeping in. i suppose this is the ultimate test. i'll be on my own and the world is at my fingertips. perhaps i am just being dramatic and need to chill a little. maybe part of growing up is realizing that change is a part of life, and although you can anticipate big changes like turning 22 and graduating more than little changes, life is all a constant process forcing growth and brokenness.

so here's to the first of "just another birthdays"...

perhaps i should end on a more upbeat note. some of my favorites about being 21:
valentine's day.
learning through heartache.
sadie hawkins.
dancing under the stars.
home group girls that have kept me sane.
new and old friends that i have come to appreciate more than i could imagine.
learing to live life with an open hand.
barb and elise.
a boy who is so amazing to me.
cheddars margaritas.
experiencing the restoration of the Lord.
trips to denton.
new year's.
coming to the end of myself and realizing i must rely on someone stronger than me.

2008.

it's a new year! and i can't even begin to imagine what God has in store for the upcoming months. i'm learning that there's nothing i can trust in other than the Lord. imagine that... but seriously, nothing is certain, so we just have to close our eyes, open our hands, and hold tight to Him. i can't even begin to wrap my mind around where i will be in one year, but here is an abbreviated version of my new year's resolutions:

the typical.. eat healthier. work out. (we'll see....)

cook at least one meal from a new recipe each week. it's time to broaden my horizons and practice some cooking skills!

live more SIMPLY.

recycle more!!!

continue with piano lessons. and practice.

intentionally serve and love others more and more.

and i'll leave you with these words from an old hymn:

"Lord, guide my wandering feet.
Draw me to thy mercy seat.
Not to trust but sovereign grace.
Thou only art my hiding place.

But when thy Spirit shines within.
And makes me feel the plague of sin.
And how I long to see they face.
'Cause then I want a hiding place.

Lord, Jesus, shine and then
I can feel sweetness in salvation's plan.
And as a sinner, plead for grace.
Christ the sinner's hiding place."

looking through rose-colored lenses.

i'm updating! get excited. ;)

i am currently reading a book called "The Working Poor". it's basically about the people in america that work all of their lives and are never able to rise above to end to end the cycle of poverty. it's made me think lately about my personal view of the world. i think that at this point in my life, i have a very idealized view of the world. i want to think that i can make a huge difference and fix all the problems of society. ok.. maybe not that idealized, but i do feel that i can do something. i wonder if everyone feels so powerful at some point in their lives, or if i seem to surround myself with friends that share my views. i'm afraid that i'm going to enter the world with this great ambition, only to become weary and disoriented by the harsh realities of poverty and the hardness of people. i suppose i'll just have to set my eyes forward and trust in what the Lord works through me and not allow myself to become discouraged by failure. He will work as He chooses.

sorry.. i'm boring.